Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
