You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
