well I can't set my house on fire every night
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
