I was born with a shot glass in my hand
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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