i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
