turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
