Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
