last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
