I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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