I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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