I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize