I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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