let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
