My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
jump out the window naked night went bad
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