Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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