my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
