Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i believe in u and ur pee
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