I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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