do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
