No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
You need Xanax blowdarts
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
