When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
