dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
