Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
