I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
