you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize