I wish I could punch you in the face.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
