don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize