garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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