No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
