Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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