i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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