Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
