Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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