New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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