Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
