Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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