And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
