I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
