I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
