Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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