Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Found your dick twin last night
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
