We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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