I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
