Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
