Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
