Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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