I think I died a long time ago.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
