He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize