How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
