My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
