haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
