That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
