My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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