My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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