Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
