Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
