Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
