She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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