Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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