after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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