I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
