oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
My vagina just recognized that song.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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