I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
