mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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