How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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